This Sickness
by SapphireFireStar
Summary: Kili was sick. How he wished it were a simple flu or cold that ailed him, even an infection or poison would be better! If only it was something so easily cured. Kili knew he could not be cured, for how could you cure a sickness of both mind and body? It was impossible, and bad things are sure to follow. For surely nothing good can come from lusting after your own brother.


**Disclaimer: I do not own The Hobbit, or anything related to it. I own only my own creativity, and even that's up for debate.**

**Prologue: This Sickness**

Kili was sick.

There was a pain in Kili's chest that wouldn't go away, although he was not nearly old enough to worry that his heart was beginning to fail. If only it would.

Kili often woke in the midst of the night, sweating, gasping for air and skin hot as any fever. What a relief that would be if that were the merely what ailed him.

Often Kili's throat would close up or he would choke when he tried to speak, making his voice hoarse as if he were ridden with a cold. If only Kili could believe that's what was what was wrong with him.

Kili suffered from no physical illness, despite the fact that his body ached and he often got strange, lurching feelings within his stomach that made him feel sick, but not necessarily from the feeling itself. Kili would have taken any illness over what sickness had infested his mind. The sickness had infected his mind and spread through his body like poison, only this poison didn't appear to have an antidote.

Kili lusted for his brother.

Strong, proud, confident, Fili. Kili's brother was everything a young Dwarf aspired to be and possessed the braids and beard to make any She-Dwarf swoon. Heir to Thorin Oakenshield for the throne of Erebor and the best older brother than Kili could ever hope for. All of these things made Fili great, but they also made Kili's bizarre infatuation with him that much more disgusting.

It was _wrong_, the strange way Kili's body and mind reacted to Fili's mere presence. Fili was his _brother_, a _prince_ even! What Kili felt for his own blood brother was so disgusting, it made him feel ill at times.

Kili knew that his lust was so incredibly, terribly wrong, but he could not find a way to cure himself of it. He could not stop his eyes from roaming Fili's form appreciatively whenever the other was bent over at the forge while hammering away, while he panted and sweated during sword practice, or when the two bathed in the stream together on their journeys. Kili could not help but tense a little, sparks flying through his body whenever his brother touched him, which was often. Though he tried his best, Kili could not help but feel a raging jealousy at the maidens who caught his brother's eyes with their looks or the warriors with their skill. Kili desperately wish that he could stop the dreams that came to him in the blackness of the night, leaving him hard and aching when he awoke, but no matter what he did they would come to him.

Despite how wrong it was, Kili wanted Fili so much that it physically _hurt_. Kili wanted to kiss Fili into oblivion, leaving the elder's lips red and swollen from his attention to them. Whenever Kili watched Fili work in the forge he nearly had to physically hold himself back, such was his desire to rip of his brother's trousers and fuck him to oblivion. When Fili was training in the sword, Kili had an impossible desire to be completely and truly dominated by his elder brother, filled to the brink until one couldn't tell where he ended and the other began. Bathing was probably the hardest. Kili had to stop his body from reacting at all as he watched small water droplets snake their way over Fili's muscular body and down to his rather impressive cock, over his sculpted and bulging muscles and over his delicious ass. The sight never helped his dreams, since he didn't need to imagine what Fili looked like, he knew.

Kili lusted for his brother something fierce, and at times it drove him to feel physically ill. Kili was disgusted by his own feelings and whenever he woke up from one of _those_ dreams he could feel the bile rise up in the back of his throat. The only grace that Kili could think of was that they had never actually done _it_ while he dreamt, he probably would be sick if his dreams ever reached that point. What was the worst, in Kili's mind at least, was that he still felt brotherly love for his brother. What kind of pathetic, twisted individual could feel the lust of a lover and the love of a brother at the same time for the same person? A sick one, that's who.

The feelings had been going on for so long, Kili could barely remember a time without them. When he was being particularly honest with himself, Kili supposed they had always been there. Kili had always felt strangely attached to his brother as a child and as he matured into an adult his obsession with his brother matured as well.

Thank Mahal that no one else knew about his sickness. As soon as Kili started to realize what he felt, he knew he had to hide it. His first temptation was to shut himself away from his brother, partly so that he would not give in to his new desires and also because he didn't want to taint Fili with whatever infected him. Fili was good, pure from the madness that plagued him and Kili would do anything to keep it that way. Kili discarded the thought of ignoring his brother after one day. It hurt too much. Watching the confusion and hurt in Fili's eyes as he brushed him off broke Kili's heart and he knew that he wouldn't be able to do it without cracking and spilling everything to his brother.

Kili had spent an entire sleepless night coming up with a new plan. The one he came up with was rather brilliant, in his opinion at least. He couldn't exactly ask anyone else if it was brilliant or not. Anyways.

Kili decided to pretend he felt nothing out of the ordinary for his brother. Simple enough plan at first glance, but much more complex in practice. Kili couldn't distance himself from Fili without hurting him or raising suspicion in others. It had always been 'Fili and Kili', never one without the other. If Kili started going off on his own even just a little bit, he realized that people would talk and he would eventually be questioned and interrogated until he slipped and revealed something. That was not an option in Kili's mind and so he knew that he had to act exactly how he did before, always at Fili's side.

The problem with never leaving Fili's side was that Fili was _touchy_. The two would always sit next to each other, shoulders or knees or elbows or _something_ touching. Even the smallest and most innocent of touches sent sparks and warmth through his body and would slowly drive Kili mad. Kili couldn't do anything about the touches without drawing suspicion from at least Fili and found that even if that were not an issue he probably wouldn't stop them. To Kili's great dismay there were times when he couldn't stop himself from touching Fili and even sought the warmth and fire that was his older brother on occasion. It was even worse when the two sparred together. Skin on skin contact nearly drove Kili wild and more than once had driven him to make a mistake and receive minor injuries, leading others to believe that he was clumsy or absent minded. Kili let them think that since it was the perfect cover.

The worst though was the braids. It was tradition between the two brothers for Kili to braid Fili's hair and beard, Fili would allow no one else. It was not closeness required that gradually led Kili to distraction, although he supposed it helped. It wasn't the way that Fili's hair felt in his hands as he combed them through, but Kili supposed that it _did_ spark his imagination, just a tiny, little bit.

It was the look in Fili's eyes when he did it.

Fili was usually so guarded with his emotions, but he let everything out through his eyes as Kili braided his hair. There was so much emotion in them that Kili was always left flushed and breathless after he looked into the two swirling, blue orbs before he tore his gaze away. Fili would stare at Kili with such intensity, that Kili often couldn't help but imagine that he might possibly look like that as he fucked Kili senseless. Kili always felt uncomfortable, aroused, confused and loved when he felt those eyes on him as he braided his brother's hair, but he never dared ask what Fili was thinking in those moments.

So Kili spent the years pretending. Pretending that he didn't lust for his brother. Pretending that he was a slight klutz because he would occasionally walk into or trip over things while he was distracted by Fili, be it while sparring, talking or simply being with him. Pretending that he was absent minded and forgetful to cover for the fact that whenever Fili was with him, he tended to only focus on him. Even when the elder brother wasn't there, which wasn't often, Kili would be distracted by thoughts of him and often completely missed whatever was said to him. Pretending that he was always the 'happy-go-lucky' Kili that everyone knew and grew annoyed with. Kili pretended so much that some days he almost believed that he felt nothing for his brother aside from familial love and brotherly affection. It had become second nature for Kili to pretend that all he felt nothing out of the ordinary for his brother, that he wasn't in –

No! He was not, most _definitely not_ in… no. No, no, no! Kili refused to even _think_ anything along those lines. What he felt for his brother was dark and twisted, most definitely not what he had almost thought. He was sick, he did not care for his brother in that way. Did not care for the way he smiled at Kili whenever they shared a secret or pulled a prank on someone. Did not adore the way Fili would sigh in his sleep whenever he was having a good dream. He most definitely did _not_ love the way that Fili was protective over him and was always there for him.

Kili most certainly did not _love_ his brother!

**KiliFiliKiliFili**

**SapphireFireStar: This is my first attempt at something like this, and I'm pretty sure it sucks. I thought I'd give it a shot, see where it goes. It says prologue, but I may just end up leaving it as a one-piece. I do have an idea for a full story, but I'm not sure if I should continue. We'll see.**


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